Things are looking up

I’ve always wanted to have a consistent blog. Sometimes I find that my instagram captions are entirely too long. I’ve tried a couple of times in the last couple of years but ended up discouraged. I found myself asking, ‘who cares?’ But, the cool thing about having a website is…I can do what I want with it. So here we are.

Today is August 21st. This day carries a lot of baggage with it. It was on this day, 15 years ago that I set out for a fun night with my friends and was raped walking home at the end of the night. I’m always aware that the day is coming. It’s strange how we hold trauma in our bodies. For a long time, I just assumed I was subconsciously checking the calendar, keeping track of when the day was coming. But, the older I get and the more therapy and self work I do, the more I realize it’s a knowing in my body. Something about the summer coming to an end, the first cool nights.

I’m always wary of ‘trauma anniversaries.’ The yearly count of how many years its been since we lost a loved one, since covid happened, since 9/11. In my family, the day a loved one died is day spent year after year celebrating that person. We know that movie popcorn and a Pepsi celebrates the life of my Aunt Dee Dee. Of course, any time we have ice cream, we are celebrating my Grandmother. But I don’t quite know what to do with, ‘it has been ___ number of years since I was raped.’ There are incredibly dark ways for me to look at this. It is easy to slip in to, ‘wow, It has been 10 years and I am still not over it.’ For a long time, any negative thing that happened to me, any messed up relationship, any time I wasn’t chosen, there was a small voice justifying and equating any type of rejection to having been being raped. As I have come to understand that it truly was not my fault, everyone has the right to feel safe in their own body as they walk home or walk anywhere at any time…I’ve started the healing process. A lot of grace, a lot of softness, a lot of reflecting and a lot of learning. Like anything, it is about perspective and flipping things around and seeing how you can change and grow from the situation.

I listened to a podcast yesterday (Jay Shetty, of course) with a entrepreneur named Alex Hormozi. There was a part of the conversation where he talked about trauma. We spend a lot of time trying to find reasons for why things are the way that they are. What happened in my past is the reason this traumatic event happened because xyz. Someone is an asshole because they weren’t hugged enough as a child. Whatever it is. But finding the reason that something happened really only gets you so far. It doesn’t actually solve anything. It also, is just speculation. Maybe that’s the reason, maybe it had nothing to do with it. But, if we use trauma as a reason to change, we can learn and grow from it. We become stronger because of the horrible thing that happened to us (antifragility…look it up). This also means that there are good kinds of trauma and bad kinds of trauma, depending on what actions you take after the fact.

I was having a hard time admitting just how harsh I’ve been on myself since that night. If I were to say aloud to another person, the things I was saying to myself, I would feel like a terrible person. I would never treat another human the way I was treating myself. There are so many narratives in my head that I have been replaying for over a decade now. For months after it happened, I was asking myself ’why did I drink so much? If only I would’ve called someone to get me. Why was I even out in the first place? Did it actually happen or am I really crazy? Why don’t the police believe me? Why do I feel like I committed a crime?’ These obsessive thoughts and conversations in my head turned to darker ones when I realized this man was a serial rapist and did it to another woman. And another, and another. I felt like I had no value. Who would want to be with someone who had such an intimately traumatic event happen to them. Am I damaged goods? Am I just too much, emotionally, for someone to deal with?

Questioning my worth and value have been the ideas that have lingered and stuck around the longest. In therapy over the last couple of months, my therapist pointed out to me, “you are really hard on yourself.” It caught me off guard because no one had ever said this to me before. In New York, harsh criticism is celebrated, of course you should be hard on yourself. How else are you going to get ahead? However, this does nothing for us. It is extremely toxic.

I lost my softness that night. Holding people at a distance, giving people ‘friend vibes,’ keeping it surface level, never really expecting people to show up for me, doing things on my own because I don’t trust other people to do it correctly. These are all responses to my trauma. I’m expecting softness and calm from another person, not realizing that I am not giving these things to myself. Lately I’ve been about softness and self love. I’m not blaming myself for the traumatic things that happened in my past. I am thanking them for the lessons I’ve learned and the redirection when I need it.

I changed my major after I was raped. Initially I was in school for…get ready for it…recreation, park and tourism management. I wanted to be a Director of Basketball operations or something like that. After that night, I decided that I wanted to do something more impactful, something to help people. I changed my major to Human Development and Family Studies which led me to New Orleans for my internship which led me to New York City to nanny which led me to finding my art which led me to tattooing which led me here. I can’t imagine my world without my art. It is my purpose and I know it is leading me down a path where I can help other people heal through their own creativity.

And that softness and self love? You can see that and feel that in another human. In just the last month, I’ve had 4 different strangers tell me they loved my energy and could tell I was authentic. I’m attracting the right people into my orbit and I am excited about the opportunities these new connections will bring.

Things are looking up. I’m healing and I’m grateful for all of it. And maybe today isn’t 15 years since I was raped. Maybe it was the redirection I needed to find my purpose. Thanks for reading.

confidently unsure

I’ve been at this artist thing for a solid decade now, and have been doing it full time for almost two years. It has been extremely challenging in every way I knew it would, but also in a lot of ways I never would’ve expected. It is insanely challenging being a perfectionist as a struggling artist early in her career. There’s nothing stable about it. Combine that with a few traumatic things that have happened and you get chaos. And when there’s chaos, you’ll do whatever you can to find things to cling to and control so that you can just have a minute to catch your breath. I’ve realized something in the last couple of weeks that has been a game changer for me. I can only control one thing, which is my health and maybe I would also argue that I can control my ink on paper. Those are the two things that I have control of.  If I neglect those things, or if I try to control anything else, that’s when conflict arises. I don’t have stability without my health and my art.

Being a detail oriented, perfectionist is a blessing when it comes to my craft but a curse in most other things. In my work setting, my precision and detail is why my drawings look the way they do. I haven’t found a pen that makes a smaller dot (and if there’s one out there, I would switch to that size, honestly, I’m crazy), but I am able to place a dot in the exact place I want to. Blessing. BUT. There is nothing else out there that I can ever or should ever want to have that much control over. So I’m learning to just let it go. And you can let things go without losing that detail oriented life…that’s a quality that the right person might be attracted to. But when I was trying to control everything around me to find some sort of stability, I was missing out on so much. It wasn’t the kind of control where I was bossing people around. It was more so looking for something or someone who would make me feel safe. Someone who I could tether to. But by doing this, I was missing so fucking much of the joy around me. I was always thinking about the future and not enjoying the present. I was putting pressure on others to be something they may not want to be. If I kept living like that, I would blink and be so far down the road. People who have kids are forced to take a beat. Just from the simple fact that you can’t do much with babies other than hold them and feed them. You have to be present in those moments in order for the baby to survive. I haven’t had anything slow me down. I’d even say that my last relationship was toxic because my ex was the same way. We were so wrapped up in our own futures, we neglected the gift we had in being with each other in the present.

I firmly believe that we will receive the things we are meant to have and the things that are not meant for us will pass. But I also realize that we will never get what we don’t ask for. This can be the tricky part. We have to know our true selves before we can know what to ask for. I’m not suggesting you sit and say, ‘I really want a lambo’ or, ‘I really want to be rich.’ These are things that society has taught you to value. I mean, when you rid yourself of the chaos of the outside world and build up that core and stability inside yourself, what do you want? What are you after? Why are you here? Sometimes it takes being completely alone and broken (see last post) to realize the things that are the most important. Sometimes it takes being completely alone and broken to realize that you are actually all you need to build yourself up the way you’re meant to be.

My health has been pretty consistent during the span of my adulthood. I’d say about 5 years ago, I lost 30 pounds, but I was chillin around 195 for a long time. Every once and I while I would get down to 170 but I would usually put it all back on. I have always worked out, but have had a hard time being consistent. I also love food and am an emotional eater. I know we get comfortable in our realities and we can become intimidated by change and growth. It’s hard to leave the comfort of what we’ve known for so long. I feel like I’ve been on the verge of leveling up for a while now and when I got really honest with myself, I realized that my health is an area that I have left on the back burner. We all know the importance of having a solid foundation in anything. Without a solid foundation, a house would blow over, a relationship would crumble. Things that stand the test of time and remain solid after being repeatedly tested are things that have a solid foundation. Becoming healthier, losing weight and physically strengthening my body has given me the ability to move with strength. I’m confident and I trust myself and I’m moving different because of it.

Dating is probably the clearest example of how my lack of confidence manifested in life and relationships. In the past, I’ve been intimidated and scared to go after what I am looking for. I’ve compared myself to other women and have thought, ‘I don’t look like her,’ or, ‘ I’m not his type.’ The men I’ve been interested in have been, in my head, out of my league. I’ve always been ‘the homie’ which has been awesome and my friend group is a bunch of dudes that I’ve known for a very long time so I appreciate that so much. But a few of those friendships are the aftermath of being friend-zoned. I’m the mayor of the friend zone, by the way. But if I’m completely transparent, I’ve been really heartbroken on one or two occasions. I’ve fallen for someone who couldn’t pull the trigger on dating me. It’s easy to point the finger sometimes. Whatever your self conscious about, if you live comfortably in that space where you can protect yourself, you will stop your growth. If you’re not willing to grow, why would you expect a significant other, especially one who you admire as ambitious, to want to be with you? And it’s actually not about weight, it’s really just about confidence and knowing you deserve what’s meant for you.

Without confidence, I found myself looking to others for their opinions and insights. I didn’t trust myself so I wanted other people to tell me that what I was doing was the right thing. I wanted to know that I was on the right path and making the right decisions. I’ve even gotten really frustrated with people for not giving me advice. But how would they know? And why should I want someone to tell me who I am or how I should live?

You need to have the confidence to to go after what you want and you need to know what you want. I’m still not sure where I’m headed and I still have a lot I need to work through. But I am doing it from a place of confidence, I know I’ve got this. I don’t know how it’s going to happen, but I am confident that it will.

struggle bus sunday

It may have been reading the first few pages of ‘Atomic Habits’ by James Clear. It may have been coming off a stressful, insanely exhausting but weirdly necessary homecoming weekend. Maybe it’s just being 2 gummies and a hazy IPA in on a lonely Sunday night with no one to talk to. Whatever the case may be, ya girl is back (for the 3rd time) trying to start (and stay consistent) with blogging.

I’ve been thinking a bit about writing these last couple months. I am really intrigued by it and have been put on to writing more recently than I have in the past. The thing that makes a lot of sense, but I didn’t really think too much about, is the fact that the best writing comes from the people who are writing what they know. I have no expertise and therefore no business writing on something educational, medical, legal, etc. So you will not find me discussing who has a better free throw percentage, Carmelo or Shump? But I will tell you who has the better art collection. What I do have business sharing, for anyone who might care to read, is the stuff going on in my life. My opinions. My thoughts. My experiences. Me. So that’s all that this will be. An open journal of sorts where I can vent. Where I can share something that might connect with someone out there. That way it’s not a wasted thought. I overthink everything, so trust me I have plenty of thoroughly thought out thoughts. Here, let me share my overthought thought with you in case you need something more to think about.

It has been a really turbulent time for me. I keep trying to put a start date on when I felt like the major spiral started but every time I come up with a start date I realize the thing that led to that which could’ve also been the start. But I think the biggest darkness of my life started 8 months into the pandemic. More on that another time. But ever since being back in my home town after being gone for a decade, I’ve had a really hard time adjusting. There’s something about being back here that is soothing. It’s home and it’s a familiar place. I love being able to hop in the car and drive anywhere, know all the different ways to get to the same place. I needed the stillness in familiarity so that I could begin to work through the noise. Shit, I needed the stillness just to notice that the noise existed. I don’t regret moving home because I needed to. But I have never been this lonely before. Don’t get me wrong. I have at least 5 people in my world here who would drop everything if I needed so much as a hug. And honestly, my circle has been getting smaller and smaller and that, while painful, has been necessary. But this is a different kind of loneliness. It’s a loneliness that makes me sad when I realize how long the feeling has been around.

The best way for me to describe the way I’m feeling is by using the example of a relationship. I think the best relationships are partnerships, the two of you are a unit, you work together to give each other a life that is felt to the fullest. The two of you are best friends. I was fortunate to have this kind of love in my life and I could never see myself in a relationship where this does not exist. I look around and see that so many people in my circle, all over social media, have significant others or a whole ass family. But they have a partner. Someone who they get to do stuff with. Someone to enjoy vacations with, ice cream runs at 2am with, someone to go on a long run with. Someone to build with. This partner knows everything about you. They know your insecurities, they know your fears. They know what you’re worried about. So when you have a rough day, or a rough week, they know why. You don’t have to explain to them why you had a bad day. Why the day just sucked. But they know already and they make it better. Just by being there. So imagine knowing that this exists out there, you see it every day, but knowing that you don’t get to have it yet. It’s not for you. That’s the kind of lonely. I just want there to be something on the other side of my struggle right now to be like, ‘I see you, I know this sucks but I know who you are and you’re going to get through this like you always do.’ But shit, maybe I need to be that person.

I didn’t mean for my 3rd blog debut to sound like its about relationships, but if you understand what I’m saying, I think you’ll understand why relationships serve as a good example. I also just had a eureka moment so maybe there was a reason I needed to write this tonight.

I’ll try to write these more often. I’m sure there’s some formula for the perfect number of blog posts per week in order to form an atomic habit, but I haven’t gotten that far in the book yet. So stay tuned on the frequency of my posts, but I promise they won’t all be this short, dark or sensical(?). Thanks for reading.

e.

Running a Marathon is good for the heART

For those of you who follow me on Instagram, you may have noticed that the art posts have been lacking the past couple of months. This wasn’t due to a lack of inspiration or a lack of passion. It was because I was focusing most of my free time on training for a marathon. Of course, I knew that this would be good for my health but also, in some, weird, roundabout way…I felt that, ultimately, this would be good for my art career. “What does running have to do with dots?” you may be wondering? Well I believe that by accomplishing my goal of running 26.2 miles, I taught my brain what it feels like to work your ass off and achieve a crazy goal. What follows is a list of some themes that I find can apply to both running and chasing a different kind of finish line; your passion.

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Shock your system (and your family) with a crazy goal.

Let me start off my saying…

I HAVE NEVER BEEN A RUNNER

Let me say that again…

I HAVE NEVER BEEN A RUNNER!

I’ve also never been an athlete, unless you count 2 years of JV field hockey where I was the goalie for a very good team. Which translates to me sitting in the goal while the rest of my team was on the other side of the field scoring. Or I guess you could count the few basketball games I played at the local church in elementary school, where I scored 2 points…in our own hoop. Oh and that one softball season when I only managed to hit 1 decent pitch that ended up being a line drive to an opponent’s face.

You get the point, I’m not an athlete. I tried my hand in a couple different sports, but nothing quite clicked. I enjoy sports and enjoy watching other athletic people succeed, but that’s never been my cup of tea. So I think everyone was a little surprised when I announced last year that I wanted to run a marathon by 30.

Lucky for me, a family friend is a running coach and he said he would help me achieve this goal. First, he thought it would be good for me to run a half marathon…start a little bit “smaller.” Having run my longest run at about 6 miles (when I lived in Oklahoma for a month and literally was running out of boredom because I had nothing else to do), 13.1 miles is a big deal. So I started off with that. I completed my first half marathon last October in Brooklyn. It was a cool experience and made me realize how hard the marathon was going to be. I completed it in 2 hours and 27 minutes. That includes the extra 5 minutes at the end when I ran past the finish line. Remember that part about me having bad athletic luck? We can add that error to the list. But whatever, I got it done.

Having completed the half marathon, I had my mind set on running the full marathon. 26.2 miles. Sheesh. I was only interested in running one marathon in my life. I did not want this to become a new hobby of mine. If I was only planning on one run, I should make it a big one…like the New York City Marathon. And how perfect, it was 3 days before my 30th birthday. That was the one.

My mom rolled her eyes when I said it. Not out of disbelief or disgust, but more so out of, “of course you’re going for the biggest marathon in the world…the one you have to raise $2,620 for!” She knows her daughter…go big or go home.

My friends and a few strangers responded with “you’re crazy, I could never run that much.” I wish they understood that I don’t run. Running isn’t my hobby. It’s not something I’m crazy about or love to do.

I just set a crazy goal and was ready to complete it. Kind of like when I tell my friends and family, “I’m going to be a full time artist one day.”

The training will be daunting, but just put in the practice, day by day, mile by mile, one foot in front of the other.

When it was finally time for my training to begin, it was about 4 months out from the day of the race. Each week I would run about 4 times, 3 of the runs being “shorter” runs, 1 run being the long run. The longest training run would be 20 miles.

Starting out and hearing that your “short runs” could go up to 6 miles and your long run is 20 miles, after only having JUST completed your first half marathon months before, is terrifying. 20 miles is such a big number and it scared me from the beginning of the training. But I chipped away. Each training run, I just thought about putting one foot in front of the other and getting through the whole thing. I stayed focused and determined and (for all but 1 damn run) I was able to run the entire time. You might miss out on a night with your friends because you have a long run the next morning. You might have to go train when really all you want to do is watch a movie. But you have to remember the ultimate goal.

Kind of like that big goal of becoming a full time artist? You know the hours are going to be long. You’ll have to make sacrifices to complete the practice. You might feel like you suck at first and wonder how you’ll ever get to be “good enough.” But you have to keep working and take it one day at a time. One hour of practice at a time, one dot or stroke on the paper at a time.”

There will be days you will come up short, remember how it feels and carry it with you as a way to motivate yourself when it gets tough again.

11.81 miles.

Remember that “1 damn run” I just mentioned above? Yup. That’s the one. It was my first long run of my training since my half marathon. My running coach, Bill, told me to run 12 miles nice and easy.

My boyfriend and I went out around 8 or 9 in the morning to a local park with a 1.8 mile path around a lake. We were trying to avoid the heat of the mid-July sun by knocking out the run early. I was going to run 12 miles and my boyfriend said he was going to run until he got tired (with a weight vest on, of course). Things were fine for the first couple of miles but at around mile 10, I really started to feel fatigued. I got to 11.81 miles and I started to feel a little dizzy and not right. I turned off my Nike training club app and started walking the rest of the way around the lake to where my boyfriend and the car were waiting. I was so upset with myself. Looking back on it, it doesn’t seem like such a big deal, but I was so annoyed. I couldn’t finish that last .19 miles?! There are Starbucks placed closer together in some cities! I was honestly mad at myself for the rest of the day…I didn’t want to feel that way again.

The day that I fell .19 miles short might have been the most important training run of my entire 4 months of training, more important than all of my other completed long runs. Any time that I felt like giving up in my long runs, I thought about that day and how mad I was that I didn’t finish, and I found the way to keep going. When I ran the 20 miler months later, I really struggled. It’s the longest run of my training, and only 3 weeks out from the marathon. I started running too fast and by the end, I was exhausted. I thought about walking all the way up until 19.98 miles. But I remembered how I felt coming up short months before, and I found a way to keep pushing. It was so rewarding fighting my way through the 20 and being able to run the whole time.

I think we should look at our challenges or the times that we’ve come up short as lessons, not failures or times that we “lost.” We really never lose. Every short coming should be used as a lesson that we gain, not something that is taken away from us. We need to take a moment to feel the let down or the pain or the heartache and remember how that makes us feel so that the next time we are in a challenging situation, we remember those feelings so vividly, that we don’t want to feel them again. We work harder or do something differently so that we excel and win the moment.

In our creative process or our journey to pursue our passion, it is guaranteed that we will have road blocks. Gallery’s will turn us down or undervalue our work, people will steal our ideas and our intellectual property, our physical work will get lost or stolen or ruined. It’s so easy to give up right then and there. That is the easiest thing to do, and unfortunately for everyone, that’s what a lot of people do. Their ideas and their passions stop there. But what if we take that and flip it so that it’s a lesson? It will make us stronger in the future. We will be able to prevent it from happening or know how to handle it when it does happen.

Stop looking at shortcomings as failures, look at them as lessons.

Its okay to revise the details of the goal along the way, as long as the overall goal remains the same (and it is still big enough to scare you).

I think you can distinguish the runners from the non runners by the way they react when you say you’re going to run a marathon. The non-runners react with a sense of surprise, maybe a ‘good for you,’ or, in a few cases, a look of disgust. Runners on the other hand are quick to ask, “what’s your goal?” By this they’re asking, ‘how fast are you going to try to run it?’

After running the half marathon last year at 2:27, I just figured I could double my time. I thought that I could run the marathon in 5 hours. As my training runs got longer and longer, I asked myself, what is it that I really want to accomplish? Did I really care about the time that it would take for me to finish, or did I just want to finish? Was I thinking about the opinions of others when I set a time goal? In the end I decided that my goal was just to complete the marathon. It is 26.2 miles…that’s a lot! I just want to finish it and run the whole time without taking a break.

When I was about 25 years old, I said to myself, "I am going to be a full time artist by the time I’m 30.” Over the years, I thought about this goal a bit more and realized that it had a major flaw. If I get to 30, and I’m still not making a living off of my art…then what? Am I just going to give up and stop drawing? Hell no! I will keep going until I accomplish my goal. I had to revise my goal to, “I am going to be a full time artist.” Sure, I would have smaller weekly or monthly goals, but the biggest and most important goal was not going to change.

People spend decades working towards their goal. It doesn’t matter how long it takes, as long as you make it across that finish line.

Make sure the little details are in order so that you can focus on the bigger picture.

Here is a list of things that I needed in order to have a successful run.

1. Hyrdration in the days before and during the run

2. Proper nutrition during the 2-3 days before the run

3. The right meal right before the run

4. Gu chews during my longer runs

5. The right sneakers

6. The right socks, pants, sports bra, and top

7. A curated playlist of songs that motivate me and keep me moving

8. A good night’s rest the night before

9. Charged headphones and phone

10. Sunscreen

If any one of these minor details was off, it could ruin the entire run. Bad socks? I could get a blister by mile 2 and have to run 6 more miles as my skin is painfully rubbed off. Chicken alfredo 10 minutes before a run? Just ask Michael Scott how that worked out for him…If you haven’t seen The Office let me just tell you, it doesn’t end well for him. You better make sure you’re 10 feet away from a public restroom at all times!

Making sure that the little things are in order will enable you to focus all of your time and energy into completing the task at hand and be the best version of yourself. If you are operating at the highest level of productivity, you will be able to get to that goal quicker than if you have to spend time getting things in order because you weren’t prepared. When you are working on your passion or your goal, make sure you are able to focus and take care of the little things, whatever they may be for your work.

Learn from those who have done it before.

In the last couple of weeks leading up to my run, I was soaking in as much motivation as I possibly could. I read motivational quotes on pinterest. I listened to David Goggins’ Can’t Hurt Me and Meb Keflezighi’s 26 Marathons. I watched Remember the Titans and Lone Survivor. I learned from people who had been through incredibly tough circumstances and were able to have the mental and physical toughness to succeed. Hearing their stories made me realize that running 26.2 miles on perfectly functional legs was nothing compared to the physical battles that others have been through.

I was incredibly fortunate to have Bill, our family friend and running coach. We had weekly Facebook chats where he gave me my running assignments for that week. He also gave me a lot of advice and words of encouragement when I needed them. He knew exactly what to say to motivate me. When I felt like I had failed at that 11.81 miles he said, “That’s 12 miles in my book! You just ran 12 freaking miles!” As a seasoned marathoner, he had hit walls, he had been through the tough and long training, and he had crossed multiple finish lines. I trusted his word because he had run the race before. I owe a lot of my running success to Bill. His words before marathon day stuck with me through the 26.2 miles and I even wrote them down on my hand with a sharpie before the race. He said, “The hardest part is over, your training is behind you. This is your victory lap.”

We are very fortunate in that we live in a world where knowledge is always in the palm of our hands. We have websites, podcasts, movies, TV shows where we can find experts in any genre. We have facebook, instagram, pinterest, twitter where we can find millions of individuals who have done or are trying to do exactly what you are trying to do. If we use these tools, we are able to take the knowledge from the people who came before us, put our own spin on it and make it our own. We become the sum of the knowledge that came before us plus the knowledge that we have within ourselves. If we use this correctly we may even become stronger and smarter than the very people we research!

Study the greats, study the people who came before us who have done what we want to do and have “figured it out.” Even if they aren’t doing exactly what you want to achieve, there are so many life lessons packed in a story.

Find motivation and inspiration from loved ones on the days you can’t find it in yourself.

After completing the 20 mile training run, I thought to myself, ‘how the hell am I going to run 6.2 more miles if I feel this tired after 20.’ I was so exhausted. If you could’ve heard my inner dialogue, you would’ve thought I was in a scene from gladiator. I was yelling at myself, “FIGHT! PUSH THROUGH! THE WAR ISN’T OVER!” I was searching for any line that I could come up with in my brain that would make me finish that run. I also thought about a lot of the lessons that David Goggins talked about in his book. It was definitely a physical challenge but I believe the mental battle was the most difficult to win that day. This gave me an idea.

Before the run I asked a few of my loved ones if they would record short voice memos (under 30 seconds) that I could listen to at different miles throughout the race. This way, if I needed a little extra encouragement or a push to get up a hill, I could listen to a friend or a family member and remember all of the people who have my back and are there for me. These messages made me laugh, cry, and get me through each and every mile. Most of my loved ones couldn’t be there for the run, but being able to hear their voices made me feel like we were all in this together.

A lot of people keep their passions and their dreams close to their heart. They keep it inside because they are afraid their loved ones will judge them or won’t support them. First, I would just like to mention that someone who judges the passion of others is probably struggling because they don’t have a passion of their own. Don’t listen to them. If you know what it’s like to be passionate about something, you know the space that it takes up in your heart and in your life. You will never judge someone else for being passionate about something. The right kind of people will support you and help you stay positive through it all and these are the people you need to surround yourself with. Negative people are toxic and can ruin a dream if you aren’t careful.

The people who support us are there for us and want to see us win. If you are having a bad day or need an extra push, lean on them. If you call your friend or your parent or your cousin or whoever and say, “I am having a rough day. Can you give me some positivity?” I am almost certain that, that person will try to do or say something to make you smile.

Asking for help isn’t a weakness. Even the most successful people have days where they question their abilities and need someone to remind them of who they are. Find someone who believes in you and call on them if you need help. We are all trying to achieve something, we are all working towards a goal, we are all on this journey together, let’s help lift each other up.

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Running this marathon was certainly the most challenging thing I have ever done, both physically and mentally. It took over half of a year (over a year if you count the half marathon last year) to complete but it was the coolest and most rewarding experience of my life. This made me realize that the harder you work towards a goal and the more time and effort you put into that goal, the more rewarding that goal will be when you achieve it.

Think of the last goal you achieved. It could be as little as, “I want to run 1 mile.” Or “I don’t want to drink soda for a week.” When you achieve that goal, don’t you feel amazing? Don’t you feel ready for the next goal, maybe a little bigger this time? Crushing goals becomes addicting. If it took me a year to experience the most rewarding event of my life, how rewarding will it feel to achieve something I’ve worked on for 5 years? Or 10? It might take me decades, but I know that when I achieve my goal of becoming a full time artist, it is going to feel pretty freaking amazing.

Tools of the Trade...Dots not included

Hey Everybody!

Over the past couple of months I have received a lot of questions asking about the paper and pens that I use. I decided it would be helpful to write this up for anyone who might be interested! I will included tools that I have used in the past and anything that I have enjoyed or disliked for each product.

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Paper

I currently use Strathmore 500 Series Bristol. I have really enjoyed using the plate surfaced paper because this provides a very smooth surface that the ink does not bleed in to. This allows each dot to be crisp and small. They also come in pads of 15 sheets so I don’t have to worry about running out unexpectedly!

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Pens

I have tried a lot of different pens over the years.

• Micron

  These pens were a great start for me when I first entered into the stippling world. The great thing about these pens is that they are affordable and they come in a lot of different sizes and colors. I usually went for the 005 or 01 size because they were the smallest and, therefore, created the smallest dot. I hear that they now have an even smaller size at 003! I stopped using these pens because as they dried up, the dot was no longer black, but more of a grey tone. I actually used this to my advantage at first because it allowed a lighter shade when trying to achieve a smooth gradient. This was great for a while, but it was harder to control and I wanted to move to something that was more consistent.

  I used these pens for about 3 years

• Kohinoor Rapidograph

Pens can be very expensive, and this was definitely my first encounter with a highly technical (and expensive) pen. We had a love/hate relationship. When this pen was working, it was wonderful. It was my first experience with a pen that created a black dot each time it touched the paper. There was no grey tone when it dried out. I knew that a perfect black dot would come out each time it hit the paper. However, I had a LOT of issues with the ink clogging in the pen. This happened almost every time I tried to draw. They sold cleaning kits that made a huge mess and by the end of a frustrating half hour of trying to unclog it, I was covered with black ink. So was my kitchen counter. The other thing with these pens is that you have to refill them yourself. You have to buy a little bottle of ink to refill. Maybe I was just a rookie, but I had a hard time with these pens.

I used this pen for less than 1 month.

• Copic Multiliner SP

  These pens were a favorite of mine for a couple of years. This is the perfect pen for someone looking to step their stippling game up without breaking the bank. The pen has 3 separate parts; the barrel (not sure if this is the accurate term but it makes sense to me so hopefully it makes sense to you) the nib and the ink cartridge. The tube of the pen is very durable and the nibs could be replaced if they became too worn. I replaced the nib maybe once a month. You can buy the nibs in pairs. The ink cartridge lasted 2-3 weeks, depending on what you’re using the pen for. They also come in a wide range of sizes. Overall, a very solid pen that made me happy for years and really took me to a new level with my artwork.

  I used this pen for 3 years.

• Rotring Rapidograph

  As my love and interest of stippling has grown over the years, I’ve become more and more focused and aware of the pens that my favorite artists use to create their pieces. Once I saw the Rotring Rapidograph, I couldn’t unsee it! So I decided that I needed to get one. When I first looked for them, I was scared away by the pricetag (this doesn’t appear to be an issue anymore, check out the link to the right to see the affordable prices on amazon). I waited a few months and decided it would be worth it. I am so happy that I made that decision, and it definitely was worth it! At first it may appear a little scary because it is a highly technical pen. I felt a bit intimidated by the number of pieces in the pen and how many ways the pen can come apart. And quite honestly, they need to work on their instructions….it is 3 or 4 photos that tell you absolutely nothing. I had to look on youtube to figure it out, but I found a video (and I will make one for you guys) and I was good to go.

  This pen has a steady stream of ink which means that you can make crisp clean dots every time. I haven’t had any issues with clogging (like I had with the Kohinoor). The only thing is, do not travel in a plane with an open ink cartridge in the pen. I made this mistake 2 times (the second time was just to see whether or not the first one was a fluke). I think the pressure in the plane caused the ink to be forced out. Fortunately I discovered this before I dropped the huge ink blob onto my drawing!

  The point is so fine, I was honestly afraid that I was going to break it at first. But it has been incredibly durable. I felt a shift in my artwork after I purchased this pen. I highly recommend it and I know it will be worth it.

Pencil

• Graphgear 1000, .5

  I’ve had this pen for the last 5 years. I got it when I first entertained the idea of stippling. I use the pencil a lot, to sketch things out before I lay the dots down. This pen is very sturdy and I haven’t had any issues in the 5 years that I’ve had it! Not many things last that long any more! This has stood the test of time, just like my eraser that I will talk about next!

Eraser

• Staedtler

  I actually found this eraser in a box in my closet when I started to draw in 2013. I had gotten it for an art class that I was required to take when I went to Penn State. I’ve had it ever since and it still works like a charm. It doesn’t appear to be getting smaller either which is interesting considering the number of mistakes I make! I feel that it really gets all of the pencil mark up and it doesn’t damage the paper.

Well, those are all of the tools that I use now and have used over the years. Start small, I know that not everyone has the money to jump in with the most expensive tools out there. I didn’t have any money to put towards my art in the beginning. That is totally okay! You can use a regular ball point pen in the beginning. The important thing is that you have a way to start and a way to practice. Then you can build off of that. I don’t think that I would have been ready for the Rotring if I hadn’t had the practice with the “easier to use” pens. Please let me know if you have any questions or want me to go into more detail for any of the products and I would be happy to help! Happy Dotting!

An amateur’s key to realism

I feel like it is important for me to remind you guys that I am self-taught. This means that the techniques I use to create my artwork could be the right way to do things, or completely wrong, or some mix of both. So if you’re in art school, listen to your teachers. If you are doing this as a hobby, see what works for you. This is just my approach and what I’ve done to get to where I’m at now.

Since I first began to draw on a regular basis (circa 2013) I was interested in realism. I wanted to draw a picture of Amber Rose…and have it look like Amber Rose. I wanted to draw a picture of Kevin Hart…and, you guessed it, have it look like Kevin Hart. Instead, Amber ended up being like…

And Kevin…

I put all of those ‘Ha, Ha, Ha’s behind his head because I think he’s funny. But, looking back, the joke was actually my drawing. Anyways. You get the point. I wanted my drawing to look like someone. Instead, it looked like someone else.

There are 3 major things that I did to try and get my drawings closer to the real thing:

1. Grid the reference photo and your paper

2. Draw what you see, NOT what you think something should look like

3. Practice, practice, PRACTICE

If I really want to make something look real, I grid things out. I draw a grid over the reference photo, and then do the same with the paper that I’m drawing on (scaling up if necessary for larger pieces of paper). This way I can focus on each square and make sure everything within a square looks the same in my drawing as it does in the photo. Some people scoff at the gridding technique and think it makes you less of an artist if you do this. That’s fine if they feel that way. My response would be…If gridding things out makes it easy, you do it. Who cares what the haters say!

Using a grid helps ensure that everything is proportionate. It is especially hard when working with large pieces of paper, to make sure everything is the right size. You have to constantly step back to make sure things look right. Gridding makes this a lot easier and more realistic looking.

The second key to making things look real is to draw what you see and not what you think something looks like. Anyone who has ever watched a 6 year old draw a human will know what I’m taking about. In our minds, we know that a person has 2 legs, 2 arms, each hand has 5 fingers, each foot has 5 toes. So, if we were to go back in time and pretend we were 6 again (or maybe you don’t have to go back that far…maybe this is still your technique at 35, that’s fine too) and drawing a picture, we would draw a circle for the head, a line for the body, 4 lines sticking out, 2 circles for hands with 5 little lines sticking out of the circle for fingers. We are drawing what we know to be there, but it doesn’t look real because we aren’t actually drawing what we see. Our mind is getting in the way.

When you are drawing a nose, you aren’t just drawing 2 nostrils and 2 sides of a nose. You have to pay attention to the shadows. The way the underside of the nose blends into the upper lip, the way the bridge of the nose is highlighted while the sides are in shadow. Just look at what you’re drawing and try to replicate it, don’t let your mind trick you into drawing something else.

The third and, maybe, most obvious key is to practice. Do me a favor and go back up and look at my Kevin Hart and Amber Rose sketches that I did 5 years ago. Now, look at this drawing I am working on now…

Looks like I practiced a bit, right? RIGHT! Practice is so important. I can’t tell you how many times I would have an idea of what I wanted to draw, start drawing, and have it turn out nothing like what I had set out to do. This can be hard and frustrating, but if you are passionate about your work, you’ll have no problem putting in the countless hours to perfect your craft. I’ve been practicing hours every day for 5 years and I’m still working on my art and learning so much. When you practice a sport for 4-5 hours a day for 5 years….you’re going to get better. So why wouldn’t this apply to your artwork?

I hope these tips help you! Check out my Instagram to see some of my progress timelapse videos. YouTube channel coming soon!