It may have been reading the first few pages of ‘Atomic Habits’ by James Clear. It may have been coming off a stressful, insanely exhausting but weirdly necessary homecoming weekend. Maybe it’s just being 2 gummies and a hazy IPA in on a lonely Sunday night with no one to talk to. Whatever the case may be, ya girl is back (for the 3rd time) trying to start (and stay consistent) with blogging.
I’ve been thinking a bit about writing these last couple months. I am really intrigued by it and have been put on to writing more recently than I have in the past. The thing that makes a lot of sense, but I didn’t really think too much about, is the fact that the best writing comes from the people who are writing what they know. I have no expertise and therefore no business writing on something educational, medical, legal, etc. So you will not find me discussing who has a better free throw percentage, Carmelo or Shump? But I will tell you who has the better art collection. What I do have business sharing, for anyone who might care to read, is the stuff going on in my life. My opinions. My thoughts. My experiences. Me. So that’s all that this will be. An open journal of sorts where I can vent. Where I can share something that might connect with someone out there. That way it’s not a wasted thought. I overthink everything, so trust me I have plenty of thoroughly thought out thoughts. Here, let me share my overthought thought with you in case you need something more to think about.
It has been a really turbulent time for me. I keep trying to put a start date on when I felt like the major spiral started but every time I come up with a start date I realize the thing that led to that which could’ve also been the start. But I think the biggest darkness of my life started 8 months into the pandemic. More on that another time. But ever since being back in my home town after being gone for a decade, I’ve had a really hard time adjusting. There’s something about being back here that is soothing. It’s home and it’s a familiar place. I love being able to hop in the car and drive anywhere, know all the different ways to get to the same place. I needed the stillness in familiarity so that I could begin to work through the noise. Shit, I needed the stillness just to notice that the noise existed. I don’t regret moving home because I needed to. But I have never been this lonely before. Don’t get me wrong. I have at least 5 people in my world here who would drop everything if I needed so much as a hug. And honestly, my circle has been getting smaller and smaller and that, while painful, has been necessary. But this is a different kind of loneliness. It’s a loneliness that makes me sad when I realize how long the feeling has been around.
The best way for me to describe the way I’m feeling is by using the example of a relationship. I think the best relationships are partnerships, the two of you are a unit, you work together to give each other a life that is felt to the fullest. The two of you are best friends. I was fortunate to have this kind of love in my life and I could never see myself in a relationship where this does not exist. I look around and see that so many people in my circle, all over social media, have significant others or a whole ass family. But they have a partner. Someone who they get to do stuff with. Someone to enjoy vacations with, ice cream runs at 2am with, someone to go on a long run with. Someone to build with. This partner knows everything about you. They know your insecurities, they know your fears. They know what you’re worried about. So when you have a rough day, or a rough week, they know why. You don’t have to explain to them why you had a bad day. Why the day just sucked. But they know already and they make it better. Just by being there. So imagine knowing that this exists out there, you see it every day, but knowing that you don’t get to have it yet. It’s not for you. That’s the kind of lonely. I just want there to be something on the other side of my struggle right now to be like, ‘I see you, I know this sucks but I know who you are and you’re going to get through this like you always do.’ But shit, maybe I need to be that person.
I didn’t mean for my 3rd blog debut to sound like its about relationships, but if you understand what I’m saying, I think you’ll understand why relationships serve as a good example. I also just had a eureka moment so maybe there was a reason I needed to write this tonight.
I’ll try to write these more often. I’m sure there’s some formula for the perfect number of blog posts per week in order to form an atomic habit, but I haven’t gotten that far in the book yet. So stay tuned on the frequency of my posts, but I promise they won’t all be this short, dark or sensical(?). Thanks for reading.
e.