I’ve been at this artist thing for a solid decade now, and have been doing it full time for almost two years. It has been extremely challenging in every way I knew it would, but also in a lot of ways I never would’ve expected. It is insanely challenging being a perfectionist as a struggling artist early in her career. There’s nothing stable about it. Combine that with a few traumatic things that have happened and you get chaos. And when there’s chaos, you’ll do whatever you can to find things to cling to and control so that you can just have a minute to catch your breath. I’ve realized something in the last couple of weeks that has been a game changer for me. I can only control one thing, which is my health and maybe I would also argue that I can control my ink on paper. Those are the two things that I have control of. If I neglect those things, or if I try to control anything else, that’s when conflict arises. I don’t have stability without my health and my art.
Being a detail oriented, perfectionist is a blessing when it comes to my craft but a curse in most other things. In my work setting, my precision and detail is why my drawings look the way they do. I haven’t found a pen that makes a smaller dot (and if there’s one out there, I would switch to that size, honestly, I’m crazy), but I am able to place a dot in the exact place I want to. Blessing. BUT. There is nothing else out there that I can ever or should ever want to have that much control over. So I’m learning to just let it go. And you can let things go without losing that detail oriented life…that’s a quality that the right person might be attracted to. But when I was trying to control everything around me to find some sort of stability, I was missing out on so much. It wasn’t the kind of control where I was bossing people around. It was more so looking for something or someone who would make me feel safe. Someone who I could tether to. But by doing this, I was missing so fucking much of the joy around me. I was always thinking about the future and not enjoying the present. I was putting pressure on others to be something they may not want to be. If I kept living like that, I would blink and be so far down the road. People who have kids are forced to take a beat. Just from the simple fact that you can’t do much with babies other than hold them and feed them. You have to be present in those moments in order for the baby to survive. I haven’t had anything slow me down. I’d even say that my last relationship was toxic because my ex was the same way. We were so wrapped up in our own futures, we neglected the gift we had in being with each other in the present.
I firmly believe that we will receive the things we are meant to have and the things that are not meant for us will pass. But I also realize that we will never get what we don’t ask for. This can be the tricky part. We have to know our true selves before we can know what to ask for. I’m not suggesting you sit and say, ‘I really want a lambo’ or, ‘I really want to be rich.’ These are things that society has taught you to value. I mean, when you rid yourself of the chaos of the outside world and build up that core and stability inside yourself, what do you want? What are you after? Why are you here? Sometimes it takes being completely alone and broken (see last post) to realize the things that are the most important. Sometimes it takes being completely alone and broken to realize that you are actually all you need to build yourself up the way you’re meant to be.
My health has been pretty consistent during the span of my adulthood. I’d say about 5 years ago, I lost 30 pounds, but I was chillin around 195 for a long time. Every once and I while I would get down to 170 but I would usually put it all back on. I have always worked out, but have had a hard time being consistent. I also love food and am an emotional eater. I know we get comfortable in our realities and we can become intimidated by change and growth. It’s hard to leave the comfort of what we’ve known for so long. I feel like I’ve been on the verge of leveling up for a while now and when I got really honest with myself, I realized that my health is an area that I have left on the back burner. We all know the importance of having a solid foundation in anything. Without a solid foundation, a house would blow over, a relationship would crumble. Things that stand the test of time and remain solid after being repeatedly tested are things that have a solid foundation. Becoming healthier, losing weight and physically strengthening my body has given me the ability to move with strength. I’m confident and I trust myself and I’m moving different because of it.
Dating is probably the clearest example of how my lack of confidence manifested in life and relationships. In the past, I’ve been intimidated and scared to go after what I am looking for. I’ve compared myself to other women and have thought, ‘I don’t look like her,’ or, ‘ I’m not his type.’ The men I’ve been interested in have been, in my head, out of my league. I’ve always been ‘the homie’ which has been awesome and my friend group is a bunch of dudes that I’ve known for a very long time so I appreciate that so much. But a few of those friendships are the aftermath of being friend-zoned. I’m the mayor of the friend zone, by the way. But if I’m completely transparent, I’ve been really heartbroken on one or two occasions. I’ve fallen for someone who couldn’t pull the trigger on dating me. It’s easy to point the finger sometimes. Whatever your self conscious about, if you live comfortably in that space where you can protect yourself, you will stop your growth. If you’re not willing to grow, why would you expect a significant other, especially one who you admire as ambitious, to want to be with you? And it’s actually not about weight, it’s really just about confidence and knowing you deserve what’s meant for you.
Without confidence, I found myself looking to others for their opinions and insights. I didn’t trust myself so I wanted other people to tell me that what I was doing was the right thing. I wanted to know that I was on the right path and making the right decisions. I’ve even gotten really frustrated with people for not giving me advice. But how would they know? And why should I want someone to tell me who I am or how I should live?
You need to have the confidence to to go after what you want and you need to know what you want. I’m still not sure where I’m headed and I still have a lot I need to work through. But I am doing it from a place of confidence, I know I’ve got this. I don’t know how it’s going to happen, but I am confident that it will.